Suffering

Why do we suffer?

I've thought about that question more than I care to admit over these past few months. Why does suffering exist, and why does it hurt so bad? 

These past few months were very difficult for me. Nothing seemed to be going my way. I wasn't enjoying school, none of my friends seemed to want to hang out with me, and I was really missing my cast of Seven Brides. I tried out for my school's spring One Acts and made them, but I dreaded going to rehearsals and wished I got cut (ugh I was so selfish). I was constantly in a bad mood and was a jerk to everyone. I was ungrateful, I was tired, and honestly, I was scared of who I was becoming. 

I didn't want to try in school. I didn't want to get together with friends because I was secretly afraid they all hated me. I didn't want to wake up in the morning and do something productive in my day. I just wanted to lie in my bed and shut out the world and my problems.  I was sick of trying to be so bubbly and happy on the outside, when on the inside all I wanted to do was go home, lock myself in my room and cry.

It scared me. It really did. For three months, I wasn't happy. Now I wasn't anywhere near depressed, but I just felt sad. Sad, alone, and very tired. And I had no idea what I was feeling, and I had no idea what to do.

The weird thing was, I had trust in God. I knew that God placed me in that situation for a reason, and I trusted that, I really did. But it was some sort of... disconnected trust. I knew I was put there for a reason, and I knew somehow God was going to use that experience to shape me, but it didn't make it hurt any less. And I didn't even try to make the best out of it. I just wallowed in pain and self-pity, praying that this hurt would pass and I would move on with my life and write some stupid inspiring thing about it and pretend it never happened. 

And here comes the cliche part- yes I learned stuff. I learned a heck of a lot stuff, the hard way. And to prevent you all from taking the hard way, here are some nuggets of wisdom that I gained throughout these past few months. 

1. It's okay to suffer.

As Christians, we sign up to suffer. God never said that life would be easy. He never promised an easy route with butterflies and happiness. In fact, he promises that we will face trials and tribulations. But you know what? God is with us through the entire thing, whether we can feel Him or not. Isaiah 43:2 says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." 

2. You aren't the only one. 

A mistake I made these past few months was feeling sorry for myself and pretending I was the only person in the world with problems. And oh MAN was I wrong. Every single person that is currently walking this planet is carrying a boatload of things that I will never pretend to fully understand. We are never ever alone. I am not alone in my struggles. That means two things- one, I can't walk around pretending that everyone should be feeling sorry for me, and two- there are people that who've gone through the same things and can help. Never believe that you are the only one with scary feelings and thoughts. Never think you are abnormal and completely different from the rest of the population. Everyone's going through something- never forget that.

3. No pain, no gain.

There are so many metaphors for the growth you receive during pain. You can't be cleansed unless you are put through deep waters. A seed must be buried deep in dirt before it can grow. No pain, no gain. But what is so beautiful as Christians, is that we are promised hope. "The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming." Romans 8:18. But what is there to hope for if suffering is just an endless cycle of feeling happy, being reeled in by unrest and negativity, suffering, then starting over again? Well here comes number four. 

4. Suffering leads to Heaven.

Yessiree. I could talk about this subject for DAYS but I shall summarize. Recently, my theology class was assigned a podcast over Heaven. Going in, I was expecting just another 20 minute podcast of factual things that I should write down and memorize for the test. But from the first few minutes, I was completely entranced. The podcast put the perspective of Heaven in a completely different light. I won't get into too much detail now (I'll probably write a separate post about this) but one of the things my theology teacher said in the discussion afterward was "The suffering of the cross would be meaningless without Heaven." Woah. Our suffering on Earth would be meaningless without Heaven. But Heaven exists... so our suffering must have significance! Every time we suffer, our heart grows bigger and bigger- which gives us more capacity to receive God's love in Heaven. Oh, if we truly knew the beauty of Heaven, I am sure that every human being would long to suffer! (I'm definitely writing another post... these quotes need so much more explanation!) 

5. Pain unites us with the Divine.

There was particularly bad day when I showed up to youth group in tears. Immediately my friend took me aside and told me we were going to go on a walk. I told her what I was struggling with, and my confusion with my feelings. I asked her, "What do I do?" And right of the bat she said "Unite your sufferings to Christ." That sounded so... offputting at first. It sounded like something only extremely holy people did, and too complicated for me especially.  I asked her what she meant and she went on to explain that one of the reasons Christ became man was to experience the deepest, darkest, most painful parts of humanity. He suffered for us, and more importantly, with us. Our goal is to become like Christ, right? So that must mean we too, must suffer as well. And it's amazing how much my mindset has changed. When I become so cold that I start complaining, I stop myself and realize how cold Jesus must've been hanging on the cross. When I'm at home whining about no one wanting to invite me places, I think about how Jesus lost so many friends because people believed he was a heretic. When I do something stupid and embarrass myself, I redirect my thoughts to the embarassment of Jesus, the savior of the world, reduced to nothing but a "condemned" corpse waiting to die. And how beautiful is it to take the smallest of annoyances and immediately unite it with the divine? Our sufferings no longer stay selfish and pitiful, but they become tools that Jesus can use to help others. WOAH. 

6. God loves broken things.

If God had a hobby, it would be fixing things. I'm living proof, you're living proof... in fact this entire earth is living proof. (Throwback to Noah and the flood, God forgiving David, Jesus saving us all... practically all of Salvation History).  God never gives up on you. He will never stop gluing the pieces that fell apart; but He can't do anything if you don't let Him. We must first surrender everything to God. We don't have to carry these burdens around all the time! Something I learned from listening to a podcast by Fr. Mike Schmitz was a new perspective on the verse "Take upon my yoke, for my yoke is easy, and my burden light." Back in those days, a yoke was something carried by beasts of burden. Notice how "beasts" is plural... this is because a common yoke had two spots. Jesus isn't like "Yo, take my yoke" and He just shoves it upon us and swaggers out of the picture. NO NO NO my friends, He is carrying the burden WITH US. He is right along beside us! In fact, the cross is our yoke, the burden that only we deserved. But Jesus was the one carrying it to Calvary, not us. He fixed our broken hearts with His own. 

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And as I write this, I realize that my suffering isn't near over. In fact, suffering never truly stops- not until we reach Heaven. And I know there will be plenty of other times in my life when I give up, scream at God, and question why I must be put through so much pain. But there is a part of my heart that has changed from these last few months. Suffering seems just a little bit more sweeter, and I pray that my soul will remember that the next time I raise my fists to God.

So from my past to yours.... it get's better. It hurts, but it gets better. And you'll grow. And it may not seem like that right now. In fact, you may be laughing at my cliche-iness right now. But if you take away anything from this post, take away the fact that God knows exactly where you are going, and He is satisfied. God placed you in this exact moment for the right reason, and He gives the hardest battles to His strongest soldiers. Please never give up. 

Never, ever give up, because God will never, ever give up on you.

All through Christ,

Maddie

GUYS LOOK WHAT THE JESUS CALLING WAS TODAY
Definitely not a coincidence. :) 

(I may make this "suffering" deal a series because I have so much left to say... comment below if you would like to see more posts! :) )

THEATRE

So this post is long overdue. But it's being written, so that is all that matters. :) (and also sorry for the useless title; I couldn't really find a good one hehe).

This past winter was probably one of the most exciting, stressful, and amazing seasons of my life. This past winter I had an amazing opportunity to be a part of the musical Seven Brides for Seven Brothers as Millie Pontipee.  This was my first chance at a lead outside of my school shows and it was such an amazing experience. I can't even begin to explain how much I have learned from it.

From the very beginning I knew that God was with me. Many of my friends and I were nervous about the casting because we had such a tangible taste at being a bride (since there is 7 after all). Also, many talented dancers were auditioning from other areas and it added even more pressure to have a good audition! I did get called back (if you aren't a theatre person, that is a good thing. It means that the directors want to see more of you in a particular character) and it was so fun! I didn't think for one minute that I even had a chance at a lead. Many of my other friends got called back, and it was pure torture waiting for the cast list.

The cast list finally came out, at 8:00 pm on a Sunday. I find it so funny (and definitely not
coincidental) that the list came out directly after an adoration hour my friends and I were helping out with. The entire time I was nervous as heck and trying to focus my mind on Jesus and not the million ways the cast list could go. My friend would tell me months later that during that time, she felt total peace. Before adoration she was just as nervous as I, but when she was looking at the monstrance she felt this overwhelming sense of peace. (Well I didn't get that, but it is a cool story).

It was insane. The very first thing that my friends did was congratulate me, even when one of them got a bride. I got calls from other theatre friends who were screaming and laughing and telling me how proud they were of me. I was speechless. Not only at the excitement of having my first lead in 11 shows, but at the support I already had from so many people.

A few days later, I walk up to my room to find a note on my bed. This note, from my parents, is something I will keep forever. :) They explained how proud they were of me, but also how they were praying daily that I may use this opportunity to shine for Jesus. That they may not see me, or Millie, but Jesus. They reminded me how all eyes would be watching me and my fellow leads, and how it will be pressuring. They told me that God chose this role for me since the moment I was conceived, and God had my back.

The rehearsal process was so amazing. I figured out how perfect the role of Millie was to play. I loved getting to know my fellow brides and brothers more, and to this day many of them remain close friends. AND GUYS THEY ARE SO TALENTED oh my gosh I felt so overwhelmed performing with such an amazing group of people. (Please remember me when you guys go on Broadway, okay?) I loved all the dancing, I loved all the songs, and I loved being able to be someone else for a couple of hours. The directing team was amazing. My fellow cast mates were amazing. If you haven't guessed yet, the whole entire experience was amazing. (This is an example of the phrase "I don't even know how to put it into words" haha).

Show week came up faster than I would care to admit. I didn't want the experience to end, and I tried to savor every moment. I was in many shows before 7 Brides, but that didn't help the nerves and the stress that show week. My voice wasn't feeling top notch, some of the lifts I did with my partner weren't coming together, and the constant pressure of not messing up was indeed messing with me. I had fun on stage, but I would go home and slave over the lines I missed, the cues I skipped, the dance moves I messed up.

But what got me through were my friends and my family. I could not have done anything without my friend Lindsay. She wasn't in the show, so she was the perfect person to rant everything to. She was always there for me, she was always calming me down and telling me how everything was going to be okay.  (Thank you Lindsay :D). The brides were so amazing, and I had so much fun getting to know them and lean on them during show week. I can't believe I know such talented people. My parents were very patient with me when I would come home either crying, or jumping and singing at the top of my lungs. My mom would constantly remind me, "Madeline, you can't do this without Jesus. Don't forget Him."

Thursday morning was the day of the first show. I took off school because I knew I wouldn't be able to focus that much. The best decision I made that day was to go to Adoration for a bit. There I found the sense of peace I needed for the show week. I let go of everything that was troubling me. I gave up my worries, my dances, my voice cracks, my bows, my glory. I gave it all to the One who gave the talents to me. It was a good feeling because I realized I don't need to carry everything around.

I was kind of expecting my prayer/faith life to be put on hold during show week because I would be so busy. But honestly, it was quite the opposite. I felt a bond with God stronger than I ever have before in my life.

And mannnnn those shows were the most fun I have ever had. Being able to do what I love constantly for an entire weekend with the people I loved was seriously the most amazing thing. For the most part, everything went well. Friends and family came down to see the show, and it was awesome getting to see their reactions. I loved hanging out with the cast after the show. I just loved everything.

The end of the show was hard. Imagine spending the last three-ish months with the same people who you have grown to love and then have all that taken away in just one moment. It was very hard for me, and even today I am suffering from "showpression".

But the things I learned during Seven Brides will always stick with me. I am so beyond grateful for this amazing opportunity that God gave me. God is so great UGH SO GREAT.

THINGS I LEARNED:

1. Never expect a role. Never expect not getting a role. No expectations is probably the way to go. 
2. Always say thank you to the directors. They deserve it. 
3. Hang out with your fellow cast mates as much as you can. Friendship off stage= friendship on stage. 
4. Drink a lot of tea. And water. 
5. Little kids look up to you more than you ever know. A smile can make their day. 
6. Don't wear socks when doing lifts. A fall is bound to happen. (May or may not be speaking from personal experience). 
7. God is the only person that will get you through a show process. 
8. You don't have to sing, act and dance full out all the time. 
9. You don't have to keep it all in all the time. Find friends you can trust and vent to them. 
10. The bows we take at the end of the shows aren't for ourselves. It's to direct the glory to God. 

I want to thank you guys for reading this... I don't know if this is so much written for you as it is for me. It's kind of therapeutic, writing down all these memories. :) Also quick thanks to everyone in Seven Brides- the directors, the cast, the brides and brothers, my parents... couldn't have done it without you. 

Until the next show,

Maddie